100 jokes I made on the internet

The economy is still rough out there. Just heard about this laundry service that folded.

Every time I start playing hangman I draw a blank.

The diet these monkeys survive on is just bananas.

SO AMAZED by this silent film. No words.

Look, do you want to buy this gun hostler or not? Speak now or forever hold your piece

When we do build our first long-range spaceship, it'll be a huge enterprise.

Do I like taking the train to work? I go back and forth.

It's a hard knock life for people delivering packages that need signatures.

Don't knock it 'til you've tried it. (That's my door/doorbell policy.)

I'd offer him some coffee but I don't know how he'd take it.

If you don’t have a jar you’re putting your spare change in, you are leaving money on the table.

Come on guys, it's not the end of the world if the rapture isn't today.

I’m not that into new age music, but Happy Birthday is pretty good.

I get calling it soda, but in some places they always just say Coke, right? I don't know… I've never been good at pop culture.

So far, my attempt to carve this sculpture of Beethoven’s head has resulted in a total bust!

Tried to get my insurance to cover my pet scallop but they denied my clam.

Taking a stab at opening this juice box.

You may worry they won't shoehorn the name of the 80s song the high school band is playing into the introduction, but don't stop believing.

Ugh, this card game is SO complicated. I can't even deal.

I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT IS AT FAULT FOR ALL THESE EARTHQUAKES

That snobby girl is a real haughty.

I can't get a handle on automatic-only toilets.

I tend to have a knee-jerk reaction to doctors with tiny hammers.

I just know these koi fish are hiding something.

This side job animating photos in Ken Burns documentaries is really panning out.

All these different couples marathons are starting to run together.

It's weird how Tiger Woods and I both have subpar golf skills.

Of the two gas stations by my apartment, the one across the street advertises its EcoFuel. So I guess the gas is greener on the other side.

You think he'd be too busy, but every time he buys a new yacht they always let Warren Buffett.

I see your Amish stereotype and I raise you a barn.

Trying really hard has gotten the best of me.

I’m not committed to learning to juggle, it’s just something I’m tossing around

Well I’ve never managed a building before, so I’m not super experienced…

I couldn't write an autobiography for the life of me.

Guy with crazy eyes who also buys a lot of drain cleaner and cold medicine? You do the meth.

The best kind of those fiber bars is probably regular.

Having to go upstairs just to get a piece of fruit is next-level bananas

Faulty Wiring in The View Dressing Room Sparks Joy

It was a hard decision to kick Joe out of the Mullet Club, but in the end we just had to cut back.

I'm gonna be playing with this crystal ball for the foreseeable future.

I'VE HAD IT WITH PEELING BACK THE PLASTC ON THESE MICROWAVE DINNERS. Sorry, just venting.

This lawyer seems like he's just going through the motions.

You guys, I just got back from an AA meeting and I have some sobering news.

Sometimes I'm trying to look cool shuffling my iPod but then it plays showtunes and I'm like, sit down, you're rocking the boat.

"Ima fix wolves" –Kanye West, veterinarian

I don't get why so many people in Florida are afraid of sharks. Must be something in the water.

Arrested Development makes more sense when you realize all the main characters are suffering from stock home syndrome.

Well here's a novel concept: guy maniacally hunts a big fish

Hans Gruber is awesome and can do no wrong. I'm a Die Hard fan.

When Congress plays frisbee golf they always throw just over the goal. That’s why we need to raise the level of disc course in this country.

Don't tell me you can do an awesome magic trick with my computer and a chainsaw unless you're willing to back it up.

It's tough to say for sure what parts of my Banksy museum startup will be successful, but we'll probably exit through the gift shop.

This movie I'm watching about a comet heading towards Earth is having a deep impact on me.

Try our new diet seafood menu!

Because Nothing Tastes as Good as Skinny Eels

If you mix up Niles and Frasier I WILL correct you. I'm a bit of a Kelsey Grammer Nazi.

I can't find any royalty free stock photos of Queen Elizabeth. :/

Sometimes it seems like ice cream is the only thing keeping the root beer industry a float.

Saw two Bed Bath & Beyond trucks in a row. It really is the blinds leading the blinds out there.

Is Pepsi Ok?: The PepsiCo Annual Report

Before we eat I'd like to remember my late uncle oh there you are Paul finally

If I had a nickel for every time someone accused me of having OCD I'd– oh, not *that* one. Do you have any shinier ones from an even year?

Now I ain’t sayin’ she’s a gold digger, but she does have a rock pick and a pie tin and appears to be wearing a hard hat

We could only ever afford single entendres growing up, so maybe that explains something. That's what she said.

Just saw a guy get jumped in a dark alley. Hope his car makes it the rest of the way home alright!!

Pretending to like jazz is all about the albums you *don't* play.

Like my baker friend always says: it's 6.5 of one, half dozen of the other.

Don't bury your head in the sand. Get informed about ostrich myths today.

You know what they say: the devil is in the details/rock music.

more like jabba the HOUSE am i right

I only listen to the Barenaked Ladies for the articles

it puts the lotion in the checked baggage

Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! by ABBA

0:00 nice guitar hell yeah
0:08 sweet synths my man
0:16 what is this flute

They'll tell you I'm insane, but I've got a blank space baby, and I found it in a crater and I think it needs an operating system

Just stepped on some scattered pages from a Jehovah’s Witnesses magazine and for a moment was walking all along the Watchtower.

Now that we're re-measuring Mount Everest people are just going to want to start re-measuring other mountains, too. It's a slippery slope.

I love comparing myself to other people as much as the next guy.

I'm trying to get my photography business some exposure. Come on down and I'll take aperture of your face.

I think there's money to be made in selling Fruit Loops with granola mixed in. I guess you could call me a cereal entrepreneur.

I try to avoid posting clichéd stuff about waking up. Morning jokes are so tired.

Just let me know what day I should make some noodles. I'll make sure to put it on my colander.

I hope to be at least as famous as the founder of the Methodists one day, but wesley what happens.

If they ever stop making Icy Hot it will be sorely missed.

Ok, we might have the tree cut down but we're not out of the woods yet.

It's so festive seeing these evergreen trees spruced up.

You think your family is bad, but that baby Moses was a real basket case.

Some cheeses have grateness thrust upon them.

Did you hear about that TSA agent that did that dumb thing and got fired from Los Angeles airport? Smooth move, ex-LAX.

I like my beer to have a malty taste, but just barley.

Let me know if you ever need to use my kitchen. The garbage grinder thing in my sink is at your disposal.

They keep telling me to stop lounging and sit up but I'm not so inclined.

"How are we supposed to get out of here when the road is closed because of the storm?" said Edward, snowden

I hear models are very handsomely paid.

(But there's a five finger discount if you just need a hand.)

Have a paranoia that someone is watching you? You're not alone.

That blood sample took a lot out of me.

"wow, this blew up" –me, surprised that my air mattress still works

I'd tell you that's some of the best Mexican I've had, but you'd probably just say I'm full of beans.

But seriously. Don't bad-mouth witches around me. I'll fly off the handle.

It's not as embarrassing as it seems at first blush.

Looks like the wind is starting to blow all this snow into even bigger piles, if you get my drift.